Hello and update from April

Hello everyone! I hope this finds you happy and well! We are doing well over here, tired, but well praise God! We are truly enjoying this beautiful fall season. The girls are all doing well, loving school and church and having so much fun with family and friends! I love the fall; but I do not love what it brings! I do not like the cold at all so New England winters are really hard for me. I am reminded, though, as I type this to not let my joy of this beautiful time be robbed by my fear and dread of the upcoming winter. I will try and relish these moments that I love and not worry about the cold of winter, for God tells me not to worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow brings enough troubles of its’ own.


How appropriate this verse is for so much of our life. We are constantly looking at tomorrow and wondering or perhaps fearing what it may bring, but Jesus himself tells us not to do that; that He is already there and instead of giving into our fears and worries to simply keep our eyes on Him. That is so hard to do sometimes, but it is what we are all called to do.


I sometimes go down that road, for I am only human and cannot help it sometimes. I think about our future and how much of it I may have, and if I should start writing cards and letters to my girls so they will have them for years to come if mom is not here. I worry that my three beautiful girls who I have put so much love and effort into raising and loving may not remember their mom. I mean, truly, how many of us have any real memories at all under the tender age of about 6 years old? I wonder if my beautiful Bella, who mom does not have the time or energy to write about in her baby book like I did for her big sisters, will truly know that I loved her so deeply? Just as much as her 2 big sisters but that I simply did not have the time or the energy like I did with her sissies to write it all down. Sometimes I even worry that if something happens to me before we would like that my girls may one day get mad and resent God, and that is something I never want them to do. Of course I cannot control this but I want them to have the same innocent faith and love they have of Jesus now and carry this into their future with them. Their precious little hearts are on fire for God, believing He hears and answers all of their prayers, and loves them very much. I pray they carry this with them always, but again I cannot control this. I also know that God loves them so very much, even more than I do, and even though I cannot comprehend this I have to trust it.


Sometimes I have these thoughts more than others, especially after I have spoken to my doctors about what I really have and am facing, and this past weekend Chris and I attended a conference at Dana Farber for young families with breast cancer and patients with metastatic breast cancer. It was an incredible conference with so much information and amazing people who are working so hard to try and help those who are suffering from and living with these awful diseases. But as wonderful as it is to have all of this incredible information in front of us it is also just so sobering and real for us. It makes you think about things all over I sometimes go down that road, for I am only human and cannot help it sometimes. I think about our future and how much of it I may have, and if I should start writing cards and letters to my girls so they will have them for years to come if mom is not here. I worry that my three beautiful girls who I have put so much love and effort into raising and loving may not remember their mom. I mean, truly, how many of us have any real memories at all under the tender age of about 6 years old? I wonder if my beautiful Bella, who mom does not have the time or energy to write about in her baby book like I did for her big sisters, will truly know that I loved her so deeply? Just as much as her 2 big sisters but that I simply did not have the time or the energy like I did with her sissies to write it all down. Sometimes I even worry that if something happens to me before we would like that my girls may one day get mad and resent God, and that is something I never want them to do. Of course I cannot control this but I want them to have the same innocent faith and love they have of Jesus now and carry this into their future with them. Their precious little hearts are on fire for God, believing He hears and answers all of their prayers, and loves them very much. I pray they carry this with them always, but again I cannot control this. I also know that God loves them so very much, even more than I do, and even though I cannot comprehend this I have to trust it. again, and sometimes it is just hard to swallow. But this is where the voice of truth usually brings me back to focus on Him. And this is the voice I will listen too, His voice. “The voice of truth tells me a different story, the voice of truth says do not be afraid. The voice of truth says this is for my glory, out of all the voices calling out to me I will choose to listen to the voice of Truth.” (Casting Crowns)


So we are asking for your continued prayers as always, for we are a bit tired. I am now going into my 10th month of chemotherapy and it is not just hard on me but also on Chris.. He carries so much for this family in so many ways, and I am so incredibly blessed to have him as my husband and by my side through all of this.


I recently had a pet scan done where they check your entire body to see what “lights up” and these would be hot spots for cancer; I had never had one before in my line of treatments and scans but then the tumor board thought it was wise to do one. So I had one done, and my doctor called me pleasantly surprised a few days later; what they thought would light up in my liver as the “new cancer growth” actually did not. They are thinking it may in fact be scar tissue from the radiation that was done to my liver. So this is amazing news, praise God! How incredible would this be?!! But nothing changed in my course of treatment for now as they cannot be sure and want to wait until they do a follow-up pet scan at the end of November to compare and re-assess. Please keep November 25th for us in prayer, as this is when my next scans are scheduled and December 2 is when Chris and I will sit down to meet with my oncologist again and go over everything from there. I am hopeful but scared, excited and concerned. So many emotions all at one time, and just wanting God to carry me through all of this. Some days I wish I could just “fast-forward” to a different time in my life, where this is all behind me and God has revealed His glory through it. But of course I cannot. So for now we are just waiting. Waiting and praying and enjoying this beautiful fall season and not trying to think about the winter that is ahead of us. Who knows, maybe this will be a beautiful winter with lots of sunny days and warmer temperatures! After all, God can do all things, even bring continuous sunshine and warmer temperatures in what is usually cold and dreary New England winter.