Hello everyone! I hope this update finds you happy and well! We are doing well here, tired, but okay! I met with my doctor yesterday and so my next scans will be on June 3rd. This will be an EKG, bone scan and CT scan to check and see what is going on.I will get the results the following week, on June 10th. I am praying and claiming that Jesus has healed me and I implore all of you to do the same please. If they see that indeed there are no more signs of cancer we are going to come up with a new plan and travel in “unchartered territory” as my doctor said. Usually with metastatic breast cancer the cells have already spread to other areas in your body, primarily the liver, lungs, bones, or brain. Mine may have been a very “rare case” in which it only traveled from the breast and lymph to one other place; the liver, and my radiologist was confident that he could blast it away with the special treatment he did. They will not do surgery on you if you have metastatic cancer sinc e the cells have already spread throughout your body, even cells they cannot yet see. And surgery will not prolong your life; that is why metastatic cancer is “treatable” for a bit but not curable. However, I am praying that it is no where else and I am healed, and that they will do the mastectomy like they would on any other breast cancer patient to prevent it from re-occurring.
It is hard to believe that only 6 short months ago our world was cancer-free, and then all of a sudden has been consumed by this evil disease. I am at a point now where I am just very tired. I know in my heart that God still has us and He is carrying me each and every step,, but I am just tired. The human, sinful side of me is getting weaker. And my girls are getting a bit tired of this, too, I can tell.
Faith has started saying that she would like me to go out more, “not just to doctors, mom”, and this makes my heart so sad. I am torn between wanting to tell her that I do not enjoy going to diff erent doctors 3 days a week and that is why I am so tired and run down and cannot do all of the things I always used to do, but how do you explain to a 6 year old that you are giving your all now so that you will still be here for them many more years from now? I guess there is no way, and I just have to keep on going for now. And even Savannah Grace has been much more clingy lately, asking lots of questions and always wanting to know when I am coming back. And then Bella has started sobbing again when I leave at times, not wanting me to go and saying “I come with you mommy” and I don’t know what is worse: having her cry like that and breaking my heart each time I go or on good days having her NOT cry, and then I think that she doesn’t even care that I am going! Only a mothers’ worry I guess!
But selfishly I miss our life bc-before cancer. I miss having energy to do things in my home and keep up with boring, mundane things like laundry and dishes and organizing the girls clo thes for the different sizes and seasons. I miss being able to keep up with routine things like making our monthly budget and cutting coupons and stocking up when things are on sale (my ocd comes through here, I know!) I miss the “normal” days of our everyday life, where I can go into my girls classrooms and volunteer and not worry about running out to be sick, and going to a regular play group and story time with the girls like I used too. I miss not falling asleep every single night while putting my kids to bed and having energy to stay up and talk to my husband or maybe even watch a movie or do something together! I miss my hair, and my eyelashes and my eyebrows. Silly things, I know, but the wig gives me a headache and moves when I am always holding the kids and mascara used to be my best friend! I never thought about NOT having eyelashes! I miss the independence I used to have and the freedom, even though with three little ones I did not feel free at the time! But oh how I wa s, not having to live my life around doctors and chemo and appointments. I miss being able to commit to things and help others, and just be a somewhat “normal” crazy family!
So I am asking all of you to pray for this weakness that I am feeling right now. I am worn, and just need to be lifted by God’s loving arms once again. I need to be refreshed and feel His calm yet strong voice tell me that He is still there, holding me, every step of the way. I know it in my heart, but I need to just feel it right now. I know this His plan is so much greater than mine could ever be, and that I do trust Him. I trust Him even though I am begging him to now please heal me sooner rather than later because I don’t know how much more of this crazy rat-race we are running I can take. But I also know that it is His will, not mine, and so I am just asking for prayers to calm my restless heart and renew my spirit once again with His love and grace.
As always thank you all for your constant love and prayers for us; for helping us with countless things and for taking care of my girls when I cannot. Thank you for your love and friendship, for your faith and belief, and for lifting me up when I am sometimes just too tired to pray.
Love and Blessings, April and Family